NAME: James Thomas Fallon
AUDIT DATE: October 19, 2004
OCCUPATION: Romantic comedy lead-for-hire
EXPERIENCE: Five movies. Five. Oh, and some late-night sketch show.
Dear Jimmy Fallon:
We never thought we’d say this, but…we miss you, Jimmy Fallon.
Why did you go away, Jimmy Fallon? Why did you have to leave? Was it something we said? Was it something Mommy did? Did you not like her glasses any more? Were you jealous of Seth Meyers — did you notice how he eyed you hungrily the way you once eyed Mike Myers?
Okay, Jimmy Fallon, we admit it: we took you for granted. We know you’ve had your detractors: those who said you were too cute by half, too smug for your own good, and too prone to cracking up during sketches over jokes that weren’t even that funny. Hell, we may even have said it. We can’t remember.
But that’s not important anymore, Jimmy Fallon. We can look past all that now. We can look past the smirk, and the crack-ups, and the bedhead — the laboriously tousled bedhead! The bedhead teased into spontaneity by the expert fingers of NBC hairdressers! — and the fact that you turned thirty this year and you still call yourself “Jimmy.” (P.S. Jimmy Kimmel — this goes for you too.) Only three people should call themselves Jimmy, Jimmy Fallon: little boys on 1950s sitcoms; fat owners of neighbourhood bars who give advice while wiping out beer glasses; and professional baseball-team managers. Oh, and people in the Mafia. People in the Mafia can, for obvious reasons, do whatever the hell they please.
But the show, Jimmy Fallon: it’s just not the same without you. Okay, we don’t miss Jarret, the idiot webcam dorm-room guy who looked like you’d dressed up as the lead singer from Counting Crows. That wasn’t funny. The Boston guy, too — Sully or whatever his name was — we can live without him as well. I mean, he was cute, but, then again, while you were on SNL, cute was never exactly in short supply. If Jimmy Fallon’s years on SNL were like an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet, than “cute” would have been the white rice.
We do miss Nick Burns, a little bit — about as much as we miss the Copy Guy character Rob Schneider used to do. Speaking of which, Mr. Schneider, improbably, has made a nice little film career for himself, one you might do well to emulate. Step one: Make an appointment to clean Adam Sandler’s pool.
But really, we just miss you, Jimmy Fallon. That look of stern concentration you got during Weekend Update when you tried to be all serious. Tina Fey was the best thing that ever happened to you, Jimmy Fallon, because she knew just what to do with you. Before she came along, you were just that guy who did good impersonations of other funnier people who’d been on the show before you. And liked to play the guitar.
But Tina took you under her wing. She became the big sister, and you the bratty little brother — the one who always looked like he’d slept in again and so had to rush downstairs to do the news without combing his hair. You guys always played up your faux-sexual tension, but really your relationship was one of siblings. Now the little brother’s been replaced with a little sister! Can you believe that, Jimmy Fallon? We love Amy Poehler and all, but it’s just not the same! [MFF has clearly lost his mind. Medical authorities have been alerted. — WC]
All good things must come to an end, Jimmy Fallon. We know that. We wished you well when you announced your exit, and we still hold out hope for your film career. It’s hard to imagine you suddenly coming up with a boffo character like Austin Powers or even Ron Burgundy, so that kind of movie fame is out. Sandler seems like a better model for you — a cute and endearing leading man with good comic timing. Except Sandler gets the frat-boy vote while, with you, we’re guessing, not so much. The only use frat boys have for little brothers is to scream at them and spank them with paddles while secretly lusting after them in their hearts. And that doesn’t sell movie tickets.
We know Taxi wasn’t your only film project, which is good, because it’s a wet dud. We know you were in a Woody Allen film, which is great — just look what it did for Jason Biggs! That’s who you’re up against now, by the way. Him and all the other cute boys who do a little comedy. And there’s no more Uncle Lorne to step in and say, “Sorry, Chris Parnell, but I think Jimmy should be in all the sketches this week. Yes, Every. Single. One.” Now you’re just another guy who used to be on SNL and, we hate to say, the line-up at that soap kitchen is very, very long.
But it’s not too late! The season’s only three episodes old! And one of those was a flashback — to you! Just show up on Week 4 and you’ll blend right in. No one will even mention it. Or, if need be, pull a Bobby Ewing and claim it was all a dream. Step out of a shower or something. Imagine how crazy your hair will look then!
And just think how happy you’ll make Horatio Sanz.
- One of the rare male comedians who is actually good-looking
- Was the poster boy for his tenure on SNL, just as Myers and Sandler were for theirs
- For inspiration, just look to Myers…Sandler…Will Ferrell…
- His sort-of girlfriend Tina Fey is hot in Hollywood right now. If she can make Lindsay Lohan seem funny…
- His triumph on cuteness over comic chops makes him the anti-Phil Hartman. We miss you, Phil Hartman
- They should have dedicated a half-hour of his best-of show just to running through his hairstyles, many of which seemed inspired by the plumage of exotic birds
- …and not Jim Breuer…Jay Mohr…Tracy Morgan…
- It’s only been a few months, but Fey’s already seeing someone else
Current approximate level of fame: Rob Schneider
Deserved approximate level of fame: Sean William Scott
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